Foster Parent Assessment Guide

Contact Information

Name - Ryan Hale Address - 533 Oak Hill Drive Lake Saint Louis, MO 63367

Phone - 636.561.3403

Reasons for Fostering / Adopting

What does foster care mean to you?

Foster parenting is exactly what the name implies. It means to foster the child's development in absence of their biological or normal parents because of needed legal action or intervention by the Division of Family Services.

Did the decision to foster a child follow any unusual event in your life? (miscarriage, death of family member, personal or marital problems?)

No. We have had a couple of ectopic pregnancies where we have lost both children, but this decision was made well after that time and unrelated to those events.

Why did you choose to foster children at this time?

Because of our faith, we believe that it is incumbent upon us to take care of children who are disadvantaged. We have had a heart for children and an open home where we can be a home and a family and a light for them in a time of extreme darkness and insecurity.

What changes do you see occuring with the addition of this child?

I'm sure I can't foresee all of the changes. However, I know that we can expect financial changes - having to do more with less - as well as physical, emotional, and spiritual struggles. These are children that could bring a lot of baggage with them. Our family will be new to them and they will be new to us, so there will be a lot of learning that will need to take place for each child that comes to our home.

What do you see yourself giving and receiving from a child?

I think we will be able to provide shelter and food, but most importantly, we will be able to provide a home for the child - a stable place where the child can consider their home, where they are loved, nurtured, and protected.

The child will also bring us a lot of joy. It won't be without the struggles, but those struggles will be exactly what allows us to experience the successes that we will enjoy along the way.

What was your state of mind at the time you approached the agency?

I was apprehensive that our faith would not be very well accepted as a true reason for being a part of the agency's system. Since meeting several other people like ourselves, those concerns have been quelled.

Further, the DFS agency gets a lot of bad press and is the focus of a number of television shows and not always shown in a positive light. I wasn't exactly sure that I wanted to be a part of an agency that I wasn't sure was always doing the right thing. Since this time, I have learned that there is a need for this agency and they are all human, like me, and while they do the right thing most of the time, sometimes things do go wrong. It is this small amount of time that things go wrong is what attracts the negative media coverage.

What do you think will be the best part of being a foster parent?

I think the best part will be a parent to this child. It will happen slowly, but the attachment and love that I will feel for the child and them for me will be an exciting transition.

What will be the hardest thing about being a foster parent?

I think dealing with a lot of the emotional baggage will be the most difficult thing. They will have come from a completely different family life than we will have ever experienced and I am worried about being able to relate to those issues.

Resources and Support Services

Who do you go to for help with a decision?

I generally speak with my wife and close friends. I've generally needed to be able to talk with people who know me fairly well and who know how I might react to and could handle the practical results of any decision I would ask for their help in making.

What crisis have you experienced in your life?

As I said above, we have had a couple of ectopic pregnancies. Both of these pregnancies could be threatening to the life of my wife if not operated on immediately.

How does the family go about solving problems?

My wife and I generally speak to one another about the situation, assess the problem, and find an appropriate solution to address the problem directly.

Who are the decision makers?

I believe my wife and I make decisions equally. While we may not always agree with each other, we generally respect each others' opinion which allows us to come to mutually agreeable decisions. In the event of an unresolvable agreement, Gina will generally defer to my opinion.

Who do you spend time with?

I travel quite a bit so when I am home, I prefer to stay home and be with my family. We do also spend a lot of time with our church community, both during the week and on the weekends.

How has your life changed since you have been married?

We have been married for nearly seven years, so it is almost difficult to remember what life was like prior to our life together. The essential change, though, was that I had definite responsibilities outside of my own self. I had now had a family to whom I was responsible and my actions now included providing for my wife and eventually my daughter.

How have your roles changed with your close friends since you have been married?

In many cases, I had to either leave those friendships behind (we moved several times) or limit the time that I could use to invest in those friendships because of my interest in investing in my marriage.

Your Current Family Interactions

What do family members enjoy doing together?

We enjoy going out to eat, maintaining our home (raking leaves, working around the house), going to church together, singing, praying, reading, and watching TV, among other things.

How do you show affection to each other?

As many families do, we will hug and kiss one another as well as simply being with each other. With our daughter, we will play with her and read to her. These are all displays of affection for one another.

What do you like best about your family life?

I really enjoy simply being with each other around home. Playing with our daughter in our home is a great joy for both my wife and I.

What do you like least about your family life?

Can't say that there is anything that I don't like about our family life.

Physical Description and Health

Height - 6' Weight - 240 lbs. Hair Color - Blonde Eye Color - Blue

Please describe your general health

Excellent.

Please describe any handicapping conditions that you have.

None.

What three words best describe you physically?

I am healthy.

Personal Make-up

How are you affected by what others feel about you?

As much as I hate to admit it, I am definitely affected by the way people thnk about me. Being in sales, I am generally concerned that people understand that I am competent about my profession, see me as a well-groomed individual, and can successfully communicate the message my company asks me to carry. Further, I've always wanted to be perceived as successful and as a leader. At the same time, though, I've wanted to be considered a humble person.... the irony.

I am affected by this in that it tends to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. The way I want others to think about me is the way I want to act, so that is the way I try to be.

What are some of the risks taken in your life?

I have started businesses, gotten married, have a child, am part of a new church plant, and have auditioned for various musical groups.

Have you had to work out a major life crisis in your life?

When my wife had the ectopic pregnancies, these were crises that needed to be worked through.

How did you work it through?

In conjunction with my wife and the assistance of our doctor, we discussed the problem and came to a conclusion as to the best solution that would satisfy everyone.

Who did you look to for support?

We immediately called friends who took care of Hannah for the evening and stayed with us at the hospital. Further, we spoke with each of our parents over the phone to let them know what was happening and to get any thoughts/advice from them.

Looking back, what did you learn about those experiences?

It was imperative to act immediately, but in an informed manner. Further, it was important to have people around us who would be willing to be with us and support us in whatever ways they could.

Do you reward yourself?

I've never considered rewarding myself. I've always considered life to reward you for the hard work that you put in. For example, I work well for my companys, so they reward me with a nice salary and many benefits.

What makes you feel like you are having a good day?

A day that I know is spent in the will of God is always considered to be a good day. Further, for my own ambitions, it is a good day if I am able to do my job well, help someone in a bad or challenging situation, or some other type of assistance to someone.

What makes you feel like you are having a bad day?

In contrast to the first statement on the last item.... If I know that I am outside the will of God, I have a general down feeling about the day.

What kinds of things intimidate you?

Generally, I am not intimidated by many things, but if it does happen it would be from something that I have tried to, but cannot understand.

What is your favorite feeling? Why?

My favorite feeling is of feeling "alive". That feeling is that of having all of the senses firing and can sometimes be achieved through a lot of physical activity, a spiritual experience, or through success coming out of a lot of struggle in a particular activity. I simply like this because it is a "high" that is found in simply being human to the furthest extent possible.

How much time do you spend alone?

Because of my job, and when I am travelling, I have quite a bit of time that I spend alone. Otherwise, I usually try to spend a little while every day alone for prayer and reading. However, the rest of my day is usually spent with others, whether with my family or friends.

What does money mean to you?

Money is nothing in an of itself. I work to make money, but it is only to provide for my family. Otherwise, we enjoy giving of our money to others. Simply speaking, our money is a tool to various ends that are of high importance to us.

Do you have problems handling money?

No. We work pretty closely to a budget and try to be disciplined with our spending.

What kinds of things do you like to do? Not do?

As I said before, I enjoy spending time with my family. Working on my computer composing web sites is also a hobby of mine. I also like to spend time thinking about the future and planning for it.

I don't like to waste time. I don't like to sit around doing nothing when I know that I have something important to be doing.

Have you ever lost someone close to you?

I have lost both of my grandfathers. I wouldn't say that I was extremely close to either one of them, but it was definitely a blow to me in both deaths.

How did you handle it?

Mostly spent time in introspection thinking about their lives, what their lives meant to mine, and how I could use what I learned from each of them.

What are your recreation activities and hobbies?

Again - website development, business planning, being with my family, etc.

What three words best describe your personality?

Visionary. Strong. Fun.

Your Family Background

Please tell us about the people who raised you; describe their personality, describe your relationship with them.

My mom and dad raised me. Although we now live a couple of states away we continue to have a good relationship and we talk and visit with them regularly. My mom and dad are both fun-loving and enjoy being around their families. My mom was the disciplinarian and more strict, mostly - I think - because she stayed home with us and took care of three sons. My dad, on the other hand, has always been a hard worker. He was in the military for a number of years and while that experience didn't negatively translate into our home, some of the positive values such as discipline and a diligent work effort were part of his personality that has passed to the rest of the family.

What did your parents do?

While I was growing up, my mom was a housewife, although she has worked for Cummins Engine in human resources and now in retail clothing. My dad is a pilot for Delta Airlines.

Describe your relationships with your siblings when you were young.

We played a lot together doing baseball, basketball, football among other things in the back yard. We had our hard times as well, but overall things were pretty good.

What are your family members doing now? (married, employment, children, living location).

My mom and dad are married and are employed as I mention above. The middle brother is a fighter pilot - instructor pilot - for the Air Force at Vance AFB in Enid, Oklahoma. He is single. My youngest brother just recently graduated from Sinclair Community College with an associate's degree to be an auto mechanic and is working in a car dealership to maintain various kinds of cars. He is also single and living at home with my parents.

What is your current relationship/contact with family members?

As said above, I and my family talk and visit with my parents regularly. When we go home, we often see my youngest brother. My brother in Oklahoma is fairly restricted in the time he has away from base, so there is not a lot of opportunity to see him. There isn't a lot of contact with either of the brothers on a one-to-one basis.

Does your childhood family know that you want to foster or adopt and how do they feel about this?

Yes, we have told them and they are supportive.

Describe your memories of childhood.

I remember spending a lot of time with my extended family, mostly my cousins who were very close to me in age. I had quite a bit of time with my parents as we played sports together and they would take us to go camping at a local reservoir quite a bit. I was a swimmer, so my family would take me - almost every weekend during the fall and winter - to a swim meet in one town or another. Holidays were a fun time also as we always had family around our house or would spend time at theirs

We were disciplined, but we were also a pretty rowdy crew, so everything was justified to be sure. I lived in a small town and had a lot of friends in the local neighborhood that I would play with.

As you were growing up, to which of your family members did you feel closest?

Probably my dad. We did a lot of things together including outdoor sports including basketball, football, fishing, etc. As I said above, we also went camping and did a lot of activities like Indian Guides with the YMCA and other things like this. He was also a supporter of me when trying to do well in swimming.

How were you disciplined?

We were disciplined in many different ways. The two I remember most were being grounded and being spanked. I think I remember them probably because they were the most effective means of getting through to me.

What age of your childhood did you enjoy most and why?

I don't know the exact answer to this question, but I think it might have been between the time I was 10 and 12. Mostly this was for all of the reasons that I state above including all of the activities and time I was able to spend with my family. I do also remember at 12 winning a state championship in swimming and how excited my family was at that time...

What, if any, one event stands out in your mind as significant in your childhood?

My initial thought is that there wasn't one event because I remember my childhood as a series of activities and relationships with family members and friends. That said, one thing that has definitely stayed with me is my baptism. I don't think I had any clue at the time of what that all meant and I didn't do a very good job of following through on my faith in the years immediately following, but it was something that always stuck with me - a commitment that I had made - that I needed to continue to explore and follow through with. That event affects me deeply in my lifestyle today.

When did you leave home and under what circumstances?

I went to college and that time was really a transition out of the home, mostly because I only lived there over breaks and holidays. In the last semester of college, I had to do student teaching and was planning to do this near Louisville. I decided to get married just prior to moving and so the move out of the home was somewhat abrupt, but certainly amiable nonetheless.

When you think of your mother, what three words come to mind?

Mom. Loving. Strong.

When you thinkn of your father, what three words come to mind?

Fun. Loving. Work.

How would you describe your parents marriage?

Like any other marriage, they have had their share of struggles, but they have always loved each other and are a good match for each other. They have supported each other through major life changes and I believe they will remain married until they are separated in death.

What kinds of things did you family do together?

We did a lot of outdoor activities and sports. Since there were three boys in my families, we did a lot of activities that would be sure to keep us active and ultimately wear us out!

How did your family show affection?

My family was never very physical in showing affection, so we never have done much in terms of hugs or kisses. That has changed, though, recently. My parents did tell us that they loved us and always provided for us and gave us gifts to show their affection.

What expectations did your parents place upon you? How did you respond to these expectations?

My parents expected me to do well in school and to be gentlemanly to people that I interacted with, especially those older than me. Beyond this, they expected that whatever I chose to do, I should do it to the best of my abilities and should see it through to its completion. Mostly, I did well with these expectations, but I did learn lessons along the way - both positive and negative. In the final outcome, the way I live my life today, the outcome is positive and I tend to live my life in the way they taught.

What part did religion play in your life?

In the early years, we attended church and my parents sent me to church camp. We didn't actively practice our faith at home, but the foundation I had from the beginning has propelled me in my faith today.

Were you able to discuss problems with your parents?

I generally preferred to handle most of my problems on my own, but there was never an issue with sharing and brainstorming solutions to problems.

Your Education

Describe your good and bad experiences at school.

I can't remember having too many bad experiences at school. Most of my time at school was wrapped up in the things that I liked - sports and music. I was fairly popular and had quite a few friends, although only a few that I was very close with.

I did move around quite a bit during my high school years. I ended up going to four different high schools, one for each year. While this allowed me to learn how to make friends quickly, I was able to make few long term friends.

What subject(s) did you enjoy the most and why?

I was good at math and the sciences, but I enjoyed music the most. It ended up being what I decided to major in in college mostly because I was intrigued by its beauty and how much I enjoyed working within music. It was never a burden for me, so I decided that this would be my avenue of study.

What was the last grade that you completed?

I finished my Bachelor's of Science degree in music education.

Were you able to make friends easily?

For the reasons stated above - yes.

Marital History

Currently, I am Married.

Present Marriage

Date - December 29, 1995

List three things you like about your marriage.

I enjoy simply being with my wife and the partnership she affords me.
I enjoy the intimacy that we have together knowing one another like no one else knows either of us.
I enjoy the family we have been able to start together.

What do you like about being married?

See above.

What do you dislike about being married?

I can't think of anything I dislike about my marriage.

What do you like most about your spouse and what would you change?

My wife leads me in many areas such as being compassionate for other people or a vision for how we can affect children's lives. She offers herself to me in so many ways, not the least of which is simply serving me.

I have nothing that I would want to change about my wife. Even the flaws in her personality are those things that she is working to change on her own and if they cause struggles between us, they ultimately bring us closer together.

Is one spouse more affectionate than the other?

Affection comes more naturally for my wife along with being physical in showing her love for me or for my daughter. It is easier for her to be more affectionate, but this is something that I work on constantly.

What areas are not openly discussed in your marriage or family life?

I can't think of anything that we do not discuss openly and willingly.

Have there ever been any separations?

No.

What characteristics about your spouse would you like to be different?

None. See above.

Previous Marriages

Have you ever been married before?

No.

Your Employment History

Please tell us about your current job.

I work for a textbook publisher selling the advantages of our media and software to accompany the textbooks that we sell to the students at colleges and universities.

What are your responsibilities?

I travel to several different cities to sell, support, and train professors and the textbook representatives on the software I represent.

What is your favorite thing about your current job?

Because I work in technology - which is an area where few people have expertise - I am able to solve a lot of people's problems. Thus they look to me to take care of their technology challenges.

What is your least favorite thing about your current job?

The travel.

Please describe all the jobs you have had for the last ten years...the jobs you liked and didn't like and why.

Before my current job, I worked for an Internet startup called Vallon, Inc. They sold website development services to small businesses. Didn't like this job because 1) I didn't think they treated their employees very well for the job they asked us to do and 2) I was cold-calling businesses, many times trying to sell them something they really didn't want or know how to utilize. I worked for Vallon for nine months prior to the company going out of business.

Before Vallon, I worked for Macmillan Computer Publishing. I consider this my first full-time job after college. Here I sold computer textbooks to colleges and universities across the country. I liked this company because I worked for a division that was very entrepreneurially-minded that did almost anything they needed to do to get the business. We responded to the needs of the customer as we competed head-to-head with a big competitor and this was an exciting position.

I worked for a cell phone company just before Macmillan selling phones to small businesses in the Indianapolis area. Wasn't that great of a job in that the management played the employees against each other in a competitive fashion. Only worked here three months.

Sold cars for two weeks. Wasn't planning to stay here long, so I don't know whether or not this was going to be any good.

In a bridge time to make money coming out of college, I worked as a server at a restaurant. Enjoyed this because I was able to make enough money to help support us (my wife worked at the same restaurant doing the same job). The people were fun as well.

I also worked for a painting company called Triple A Student Painters as a summer job in 1995. This job was great in that they essentially gave me my own business in Columbus, IN. I was responsible to hire painters, estimate and sell the painting jobs, handle the marketing, and determine the payroll, among other things. This job was challenging but great because of how I was able to excel in the midst of those challenges.

Finally, I worked for a basement construction company putting in forms for concrete basements. This was heavy, sweaty work that I did with a lot of guys who were less than excited about their job. This job was difficult to like for those reasons.

What are your plans for your family's future in the event of death or disability?

With my job, I have insurance for those possibilities. Otherwise, I believe that Gina might go back to Indiana to live with her parents in the event of my early death.

Expectations of the Child

What kind of child/children do you think will fit into your family?

We have decided that we would like to have children who are six years old and younger. Because of the travel required of my job, there will be many times that I will not be home. My wife will then be the main care provider during those times. She has a lot of experience with young children as she taught young children and has had experience working with our daughter for the last two years. We mostly want to make sure that Hannah will be safe and we believe that this can more easily be achieved with younger children.

What things could you absolutely not tolerate in a child?

Because of what I said above, I would not tolerate any sort of abuse of our daughter. Otherwise, I expect that we might possibly have a number of challenges with the children in our home.

Do you think children inherit characteristics or does environment play a great part?

The nature/nurture argument has been around a long time and I think that it is simply a mixture of both. I think one can over-rule the other depending on the personality of the child.

What inherited traits would be of most concern to you?

I don't think that there are any inherited traits that would be of concern. The environmental traits - such as the child witnessing abuse and doing the same to others - are of the most concern to me.

What goals and accomplishments would you expect your child to have?

I have no idea. It simply depends on where the child is when we get them and what the stated goals are as we work with DFS, the biological parents, and other members of the team such as the various counselors the child will see.

What experiences have you had with children?

I have helped raise my own and have worked with kids in the children's ministry at our former church.

How would you explain a child's past to him/her?

I would start with the things that they remember and various other anchors to their past and try to emphasize the positive aspects of this including their immediate and extended families. Beyond this, I would utilize pictures, scrapbooks, etc. to help keep the child's positive memories alive.

How do you see a child's curiosity about his/her background?

I see it as natural. They are little learning sponges and at times are trying to process the information that they have taken in. I would simply allow them to ask their questions and I would try to answer them without any of excruciating details that may be part of that past.

What are your ideas on the type of daycare your child will receive?

My wife stays home with our child and, with rare exceptions, the child will not need to receive daycare from anyone other than her.

How do you plan to discipline your child?

I believe the child's discipline is mostly based on their own personality and what they value. We expect children to behave like normal children, but we also expect them to act and behave well. In the event that they don't do so, we will apply consequences that are logical to the circumstances.

Describe the differences between discipline and punishment.

Discipline begins with an expectation and occurs upon the breaking of the expectation. Punishment can be the result of the breaking of that expectation, although taken to an extreme can become abusive to a child.

What are your plans for a child's religious training and affiliations? If you are of a different faith, how do you plan to handle this?

Since the child will be part of our family, they will go to church meetings with us and we will invite him to be a part of our faith as it is practiced in our home. We won't force the child to do anything, although we will certainly encourage them to be a part of our family in this way.

If we are of a different faith - and especially if the child is interested in practicing their faith - we will be happy to encourage that child. We will, though, look to make connections from our faith to theirs to be able to draw bridges within our family instead of creating divisions.

If there is a church affiliation, what religious or moral training would a child receive?

Doctrinally, we are fairly conservative evangelical Christians. We don't promote a particular denomination as we are not part of any denomination. We will be happy to provide more information upon request.

How do you feel about a child's biological family?

Hard to say, although I can't imagine that I will feel very positive because this child wouldn't be with me if the biological family did a good job of parenting this child. However, I will definitely try to always promote good will and provide positive bridges between the child and their family.

Dear Ryan,
I found your website very interesting as well as educational.I was wondering if I can use some of your information in a project of mine. I am currently a student at Cal Stare San Marcos and our research topic has to do with foster placement. Incorporating some of your information in this project will help greatly. Please let me know asap if you will allow me to do this.Thanks!

Sincerely,
Lorelei
--Lorelei ( peral014 at csusm dot edu ) from USA on 3/29/2004; 8:48:07 PM