Fears and Hindrances

I can relate to the fear of failure that Vanier discusses in his book. Mine, though, I think takes on a little bit different manifestation than the way he puts it. When I think of my fear of failure, I think of the fear of disappointing someone and that ultimately leading to the fear of irrelevance. What I mean by this is that if I were to try to perform a task for someone and were to fail, it would be easy for that person to look elsewhere for that task to be performed and may never come back to me looking for those needs to be met.

I think specifically of a friend I recently met with to just simply talk about life. Some of the issues that came up were pretty deep and potentially even threatening to the normal day-to-day operations of life, including concerns over the potential dissolution of their marriage. I'm not a trained therapist or even someone who has dealt with these types of problems very often, so I didn't really know what to say. If I did say something, and it was the wrong thing, touching either a raw emotional nerve or saying something that was completely opposite of what the experts might normally suggest, I was afraid of the ramifications. Mostly, I didn't want to disappoint by not being a good friend and saying the right thing at the right time.

Of course, as that conversation went on, it was painfully obvious that my friend simply wanted that - a friend. But I would have to say that it is this fear that has kept me from extending myself to someone who is economically poor. Sometimes my own finances seem to teeter on the edge, so surely I don't have anything to give this person. And if I do get involved with them, become a friend, I might see that there is actually a need that I need to address. But then I would realize that there is now a threat to my finances and draw back from a commitment I have made to them. I've now disappointed that person. I might have given them hope, maybe something that they haven't had in quite some time, only to pull the rug from underneath their feet.

So there is another fear that I have uncovered simply by writing about the first. It is the fear of loss that Vanier also discussed. I've never really thought that I was worried about holding on to my material possessions. I still don't - for my own person - but I have a family to consider. How can I be willing to provide for another seemingly at the expense of pulling benefits from their reach? I do consider that to be a major loss and one that I am not sure that I am willing to conquer. Definitely need to think about this more...

In meditating on the 23rd Psalm this week, I think I like best what way the New Living Translation states the first two lines:

The Lord is my shepherd;
I have everything I need.

Easy to say right now. I'm wondering if this will ever change and I will still be able to say the same.

Fortunately, we are going to meet with the people that I would consider to be "economically poor" this afternoon. Unfortunately, it will be after I have written this paper. Maybe I can begin to overcome some of those fears that I mention above. Considering the assignment for the week and my conviction from last that I should further connect with the lady that stayed with us a few months ago and her fiancee, we ended up buying them and their baby boy both a Christmas gift. The ice is already broken between us, but I'm hoping that this can be a way that we can extend the relationship and I can truly begin to see them in the way God does.