Broken

There have been times that I thought it would have been easier if God had simply made us mind-numbed robots that followed his will because that was the way he programmed us and that was the only way we knew how to act. It sure would have solved a lot or problems such as pain and suffering or hurt feelings, paranoia, war, and on and on, but it wouldn't have allowed us to make the choices that we make - those choices that allow us to either show love for God or not.

I can still remember vividly one night trying to figure out whether or not God still loved me, even in the midst of my brokenness. I was spending the night in Kansas City in a hotel room on a business trip. I had been fighting a particular sin at that time and I had failed yet again that day. All through the night I struggled with God and I do remember that there was a very tangible presence of both a rebuke but also an assurance that all was well. The rebuke I felt I understood and could take, but the assurance was another thing altogether. It isn't every day that I feel that I need to beat myself up over something, but I could not understand why God would continue to put up with my fallenness, especially after my promises - over and over - that the last time was the last time that I would sin in this area, only to repeat the sin again.

Nouwen says that our brokenness is very personal to each of us - that the way I am broken says something unique about me. There are times that I see this very clearly - for example, if I would shade the truth as I am talking with someone, it is likely that I am trying to gain something from them whether it be money, power, or simply my way of looking at things. There are other sins that I have no idea what it says about me other than the fact that I am human (or I really don't want to explore what it says about me!), thus I am a broken creature.

Obviously, nobody likes to share these "darker sides" with others. I know that I do everything I can to mask my brokenness to others. It just isn't a side that I like to make public. What is interesting about this, though, is that while we are all broken in our own unique ways, the fact remains that we all still have this very thing in common with one another. This common point of reference is actually a binding agent that allows us to form community with one another. Nouwen's words speak to me on this subject:

Reflecting a little more on the way our friendship has grown over the years, I realize that there is a mysterious link between our brokenness and our ability to give to each other. We both went through periods of extreme inner pain. And during those painful times, we often felt that our lives had come to a standstill and that we had nothing to offer; but now, years later, those periods have proven to be the times that made us able to give more instead of less. Our brokenness opened us to a deeper way of sharing our lives and offering each other hope. Just as bread needs to be broken in order to be given, so, too, do our lives. But that clearly does not mean that we should inflict pain on each other or others to make us better givers. Even though a broken glass can shine brightly, only a fool will break glass to make it shine! As mortal people, brokenness is a reality of our existence, and as we befriend it and place it under the blessing, we will discover how much we have to give - much more than we may ever have dreamed.

Considering Psalm 139:7-12, we have to know that God will never allow us to escape his love. We cannot go to a physical extreme, or cross a moral "line" or berate the presence of God enough to find a place where it does not exist. In the midst of our brokenness, God pursues each of us. That kind of love is incomprehensible, but it is the one that is offered to me and I want desperately to accept it. My desire is that I would be as Nouwen describes the communities that have been afflicted by AIDS. He says, "There love and death cling to each other in a violent embrace." (italics mine) My brokenness brings death to the relationship between God and I, but it is the presence of His love that makes the relationship work as we cling together in that same violent embrace.